Always my hero.

16/12/14, I nvr thought this day would come. E' day we never knew when will we get to see you again. This time, I'm really scared. Really really scared. I've never been so afraid to lose you till this day.

How could you deserve all these? I miss you. So much.

We went to the place where we are all so near yet so far from you. These period, all the hardship you're gg thru which you DO NOT deserve aches me so much. All your hardwork, the whole empire you've build with your bare hands just tarnished by that one douchebag who framed you. I wish he/she will never have a peaceful death.

I'm so proud of you. So proud of everything you did and build by yourself. Because I know I will never have that ability to do all these even we run the same blood. You're my hero, e' one whom I respected all these while as e' man.

I feel so useless because I couldn't do anything for you but pray. I wanted to help, but idk how.. I feel so helpless. Everyday I just can't stop thinking of your day spent in e' HELL.

I never ever thought you would end up in this state. Never get to see you, never get to hear your voice.. You're never afraid of anything, you always stand up for me when I'm being bullied. I want to stand up for you so badly now. But I couldn't do a single penny. But I know you're afraid now over there. Because I've never seen your face like this ever before on e' vid.

Never goes by a day we stop missing you. Please be strong my hero. We are all here for you never will we forsake you. Because I'm so fxcking proud of your everything. Fxcking proud.. i pray you'll never get hurt, never suffer. Because you really dn't deserve all this shit. You're e' nicest man I ever knew. Bcos' you're my hero. I miss you so much.. as well as my heart aches so much so much.. I hope you're really fine wherever you're. Please be safe, for yourself and for our sake. I beg.

7 years ago. 22 07 07

It's been a long time. 2207 (:

I dn't know will you ever read this.. I might be stupid thinking you'll be reading this. I hope you still do read.

I heard about you. I hope you're happy now. Way happier than I am.

Thank you for all the unconditional love, the unconditional action towards me. Grateful. Truly grateful. I nvr ever once dared to forget how you treat me. I am a princess! Haha. Other en' T H A N K Y O U, idk what else to say. It's been 7 years, we've grown up. Grown so much.. I wonder if I didn't choose this road, where will I be?

I know you hate me. Hate my everything. I'm sorry, I disappoint you so much. I didn't want all these to happen.

I just want to let you know, I didn't forget you. Didn't forget they way you treated me. You'll always be the one i cared. Although we're not tgt anymore, you still have a place in my heart, always. I'll still cry for you when something bad happens to you, I'll still get angry when someone says about you. I'll still defend for you. Bcos' I owe you too much..

The road we've walked tgt, thru, .. it may be a different or difficult path. If we're fated our paths will still meet again one day.

I wish you all the best, I hope all the best for you. If i could give you my lifetime happiness in exchange for your happiness, I WOULD!

I am so fortunate. To have met you.

I'll always be there. Always the star above you when you need someone (;

Thank you. S.c.h

You Don't Know Me, Until You Realize...

1) I get super offended when people 'ACCUSE' me. SUPER SUPER OFFENDED.
2) I hate people who step on my slipper.
3) I'm never punctual, only for boarding my flight.
4) I'm anti-social, I will nvr say 'Hi' or smile to a stranger till ey' make e' first move, but I'm super crazy when I'm w my own friends or until you've known me.
5) I treat my bestfriends/goodfriends differently on a super bias way compared to how i treat my normal friends.
6) I can only sleep when there's an air-con.
7) I smoke alot.
8) I've to straighten my hair before leaving e' house, it's a MUST. I can go out w/o makeup but not w/o straightening my hair.
9) When I hate someone, I'll hate forever bcos' I am super revengeful & I hold grudges.
10) Super obsessed with fairytales, but never believe in 'Happily ever after' in real life.
11) I have a ultimate super bad temper.

This is me.

Boredom brought me here. I've neglected this space for mths, cos' I dn't think there's any need to rant anymore. All e' life experiences literally changed me, my thinking and e' treatment I gave to everyone ard me even my love ones. When e' late night creeps in and insomnia kicks in, I'll be pondering so much about my life. I hate this.

Just wondering, if i took another path where would i be now? It's Sun 5:37am. I prolly would drop dead on my bed w alcohol all over me. Since it's a 'MUST PARTY' on weekends. I stopped all e' non-stop party nights and i'm glad. Cos' my life would be so darn messy still. Alcohol just makes insomnia buzz off and all i could ask for is just sleep w/o wild thoughts.

Something changed me. E' main reason would be 'PEOPLE' (from my past) It's based on life experiences. I learnt to care less, and use my heart less. So, i wouldn't fall so hard. All e' things i did, i'm not doing it anymore right now. I hate this. It changed me to such a boring person I am now. I talk so much lesser to my boy compared to my past. I used to be e' craziest/sweetest girl among my past, what e' hell happened NOW?! Sub consciously, i've been telling myself there's not a need to treat anyone in your best when ey're not even putting effort on giving you their 100%. No one will appreciate you. This is bad. But e' good thing is, I dn't get hurt so easily. I'm just a girl, who is trying to protect my heart or even myself to prevent getting hurt from all e' unnecessary. Smth is telling me, it's enough. It's enough of ripping my heart into pieces. It's so effing pain. All e' broken pieces aren't back, and it'll NEVER be back. I miss me, i miss who I am in e' past. Now.. I build my walls so high not to let anyone in. Bcos' all i knw is, no one can be trusted. When i gave my all, all ey' did is to betray my trust time after time.

I thought i had all e' answers, i thought i didn't play my part well. I gave em' my best, I could even take a bullet for em'. But from what I've concluded is, I'm never good enough.. Everywhere I go i get so confused. I still can't put my guard down, till this day..

I just feel so lost. I dk what i want in my life anymore. I learnt, if there's any breakup now, i wouldn't starve myself, i wouldn't do stupid things anymore to get anyone back. And I wouldn't CRY myself to sleep anymore. Bcos' i feel so stupid. On e' other note, I've to thank those people who ripped me inside/out. Ey're e' ones who made me who I am today, stronger en' i thought I would NEVER be.

I need someone to open me out, turned me back to who I am in e' past. Someone to make me believe that love is beautiful, not a land of just tears.. And, someone who could gimme his best befr i could give my all. I need all my shattered pieces to be back in a picture. But I know, I can't never find this someone... And i know it'll take forever to form my picture back again. Almost impossible.

I just feel, there's no need to love.. It's made up of lies. Why is there a need to cheat?

I hate myself. I'm not even happy in a bit.

I'm stubborn, i'm anti-social, i hate to talk, i put a guard, i dn't trust anyone, this is me.

No one knows what I've been thru. Dn't judge till you've walked a mile in my shoes.. Till then.

LIES.

I'm not even worth e' truth. It's always like this.. Haha I feel like a complete idiot and laughing stock.
It's okay. I'm used to it.

Heartfelt. X

Dear Grand Aunt,

We hope you're happier now. Finally you're free from all e' pain, in e' safe hands of god now. All e' sufferings you had befr finally came to a halt. No matter where you're, you'll be deeply missed. X

She's e' greatest grand aunt I've ever seen. This is why I'm so upset and my heart aches so much seeing her suffer in this way. She have got e' greatest heart. Always putting herself on last and helping everyone thru their hardest times. But she always, forget about herself.

Thruout all these years, she has been taking care of my G.grandma and my G.uncle. She nvr once complained about e' hard times she went thru. She sacrifices everything for her family. This is not a easy task at all.

10 out of 10 ppl can't stop saying how good she were etc. So, why does someone like this have to end up in this way? If you wanna take her away at least dn't make her suffer. What have she done to deserve all these treatment? It's so fxcking unfair. Kindness does not begets kindness at all. it's all fxcking bullshit. We thought aft G.grandma leave, she could finally rest yet few mths ltr she's diagnosed w liver cancer. What's worst about this cancer is, you can't inject LA to relieve e' pain when you're doing chemo. Ey'll just penetrate a metal rod thru your stomach into your liver and burnt e' content while you're wide awake. It's horrendous, i swear. E' pain is fxcking unbearable. For these 5mths, she had 2 pipes on her body and whenever she needs to change and clean e' pipe, she'll be infected and her fever is so constant till she have to be in e' insolation ward.

My grandpa been thru this before too. E' most regretful thingy till now, is my grandpa death. I know time machine dsn't exist. But if it rly do exist, I want him to come back to us.. I always had no time for him, always not present even he's alrdy so sick on e' hosp bed. When he told my mum he wanna see me. I miss him so much, even till now. Whenever I see his pic, i'll still tear. Idk why..

Ey're all my family, our r/s are all so damn ultimate close. I love em' and e' feeling is so fxcktup seeing em' leaving me one by one. I know this is life.. At least dn't make em' suffer so much in this way. If i could shorten my life for em', i dn't care be it how many years i dn't mind..

I miss em'. Now their gone, no matter where ey' are, I hope ey'll be happier. Idk how to go on writing, i can't stop tearing, I hate this feeling.

The 21st Princess.

Hello dearest friends, xx

E' reason for blogging this on my dead blog is cos' I'm too lazy to whatsapp y'all one by one. So I'll just chunk everything up on this lil' space of mine. And another reason is to reminiscence if i were to flip back my archives back to my memory lane.

I wna say a big 'THANKYOU' to all you who made e' effort to come down and create this unforgettable memories on this special day of yours truly. T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U-!

Andddddd.. Thanky'all for no birthday cake for e' first time celebration ever ); (Hahaha) It's okay i dn't mind!

Lil' things could make me contented.. So I'm grateful for having each of you in my life! It's not about e' gifts, but e' thoughts that count.

Bestest thing that ever happened to me..

Fang Ying:

Hello Bestie! Thanks for working so hard just to earn and get me my fav bag. It isn't cheap at all and it pains me to see you working extra job ); So so so touched! And you made me teared! Thanks for being e' pillar of my strength whenever i encounter obstacles or whenever I'm upset. You'll come to my house and sleep w me fearing I might cry myself to bed. For all that you've done, I'll rmbr. And I'll use all of all i can to shield you from troubles nvr letting you getting hurt. Bcos' when ey're hurting you, ey'll be facing me. Although you're annoying at times, I still love you and I'm thankful for your presence. Nothing else matters, but only you. Still e' same, even if e' whole world goes against you, I'll still be there to back you up. <3 deep.="" div="" you="">

Shu Wen:

Hello girl! I've to thank you so much for cracking your brains and brainstorming w me whenever I'm having a headache for planning my bday'. Your nvr-ending consoling always made my day. Although my bday' became your bday' but I'm glad you enjoyed it! Hehe. Super thankful for you! You're e' one who is always assuring me making my bday' complete. Friends forever! LOLOL. <3 div="" you="">

Esther:

Hello Sis! 11years and counting.. Thank you for making your way down to my bday' even if your bf dsn't allow and coming down made you quarrelled w him or even when you dn't drink at all. I'm sorry ); Tysm for being here w me. Always loving you my good sister!

Ah Hoong:

Hello Korkor. Thankyou for e' Celine bag. E' most exp present I've ever received ); Heartpain* Thank you for all that you've done for me be it 7years back or even till now. 7years back you were always there for me, 7 years ltr it's still e' same although we're apart. For all e' things you've done for me, I'll always rmbr. You're always e' first nvr fail to shield me, stand up for me, protect me at all cost. When ppl are saying things behind my back, you're always e' first to shut em' up and scold em'. No one will ever do these to me.. not even a bf of mine. Appreciates* Thank you for pampering me like a princess and giving me e' best that you could. Most importantly loving my family like their your own. E' things you've done for me is too much. Although you always say you wna repay me for what you did to me in e' past, you've done it more en' over. Thank you!

Tze Jun:

Hello Lil' boy! I'm so thankful for you having to chip in on my bday' present! Super hearts you! & i miss how we always meet up so often in e' past doing stupid things tgt ); It's so different now. & thank you for always being e' first to rush down to me whenever i called you crying. Always my lil' boy. <3 chu="" div="">

Yan Fen:

Hello darling! Thank you for making your way down still although your car died halfway in e' expressway when otw to my bday'! Super appreciate it. Thank you! <3 div="" s="">

Wei Chye:

Hello Uncle! Thank you for coming down when you can't make outgg calls on your fone feeling like a handicapped unable to reach me when you're at vivO and not knowing anyone on my bday'. I totally feel you. Hen gan dong you mei you. Sorry if my bday' bore you out! Thank you, appreciates*

Dest, Zhicai, Benny:

Hello bros! Thank you for your presence! & making your way down to my celebration (; Truly appreciate it. & Zc, thank you for taking pic w me when you shocked everyone out cos you always hated to take pic. Hehe. Dest, Korkor thankyou for being so steady and my tanker of e' day! Benny, ty for not even hesitating to come down for my bday' when i invited you. Thank y'all!

Ah Bong:

Hello Ice Cream! Thank you for your effort. Totally worn out aft work still made your way down even for that 'just awhile.' Touched* & you're always there to help me when I'm facing difficulties, always sending me home whenever I'm drunk! Thank you!

Jav:

Hello friend! Thank you for e' '21st' balloon. It rly surprised me when you came w tt balloon hanging at e' back of your car. I've nvr gotten this kind of surprise befr! & also helping me to book e' tables over there. For all that you've done, thankyou.

Justin:

For all e' efforts you've made, thank you so much! E' surprises that caught me off guard, no one elses did these to me befr! So effing sweet can?! I feel like I'm living in a drama. You're e' one who saw me grow from 20th to my 21st! Lol! I spent my last few hours of 20th w you know?! Anddddd e' happiest thing is that you finally brought me back to my fav restaurant to dine on my bday'! Thank you also for forking out time for me almost everyday. My best ever bday' is having you w me. Hehehe. I rly rly rly appreciate it deep down. <3 div="" nbsp="" s="">

----------------------------------

[Gems of my life.]

Mummy: 

Hello Mi! Thank you for buying me a bday' cake for e' 1st ever time in my entire 21years of life, so sad T.T To me, you're my world's bestest woman in my life. W/o you there'll nvr be who I am of today. I'm sorry for my princess attitude and foul temper always ); You are always e' one there for me to pick me up when i fall. I'll nvr let you get hurt and protect you at all cost bcos' it pains me to see you cry always. I'm super thankful for god that send me down of being your daughter. Next life, I'll still want to be your daughter. One day, I'll do you proud just for your sake i promise. Till death do us part. I love you mummy!

Daddy:

Hello Dad! Thank you for e' MacBook Pro! You're always absent on my bday'. I can only see you not more en' 3mths a year! Thank you for working so hard and overcoming so many things just to give us a better life. Please take a break sometimes. Always nvr fail to pamper me and get me everything I want within your ability. Till death do us part. 

Uncle:

Hello Yi Zhang! Thank you for preparing all e' dishes on my bday getting up early in e' morning. Appreciates*

To all my relatives:

Thank you all for e' red packets! I LOVE YOU ALL!

So lazy to type alrdy. I can fxcking camp infront of my comp to patiently upload each pic and type essays in e' past. I think i'm too old for all these now.. Aft this post, there'll be no more updates! 

BIG THANK-YOU FOR ALL!

[Some of you are not in e' pic! );]

All e' other pics are in my fb. Let those pictures do e' talkings alright?! Toodles!

- My bday' wouldn't be complete w/o y'all ;D

I'm sorry. I felt e' love we had is fading. Thanks for giving me e' best like you've nvr done for anyone else. Thanks for treating me like a princess all e' time. Thanks for tolerating my super fxckedup attitude. Thanks for almost everything. & e' most grateful ever thanks is hurting me. You taught me a kind of independent nobody would have ever taught me. You made me fell. I fell hard on my own and pick up every pieces of my broken heart along with me when i stand. These broken pieces of shattered hearts, i carried em' wherever i go. Even till now.

14/1/11, e' day i went bonkers. You ruin my life. Left me with no friends. I'll never ever forget this fxcking day. Maybe you've forgotten all e' details on this particular day cos' it's too insignificant to you. Till now, whenever i recalled e' scene i felt like i'm e' world's dumbest girl on earth. I can really nvr forget this day even on my deathbed. I hated you. I fxcking abhor you till now whenever i thought of it. You'll never know how it felt till you were me. Thanks to you i'm left with no friends to turn to. I wished you would die. I've nvr hated anyone i love so fxcking deep before.

We just can't work things out. You'll never be e' right one. Sorry.

I thought you'll be e' first guy who proved to me that not all guys are e' same. But rly what you've proven to me is that ey're rly all e' same. Love can make you happy but oftentime it hurts. But love is only special when you give it to who it's worth. R/s are like glass sometimes is better to leave it broken en' to try to hurt yourself to fix it back. There're things that we dn't want to happen but have to accept, things we dn't want to know but have to learn. & ppl we can't live w/o but have to let go. Dn't ever give up if you still wna try. Dn't ever wipe your tears if you still wna cry. Dn't ever settle for an ans if you still want to know. & dn't ever say you dn't love him if you can't let him go.

You said you dsn't want to see me get hurt, so does that mean you closed your eyes when i cried? Oftentimes we said goodbye to e' person we love w/o wanting to. Thou that dsn't mean we've stopped loving em' or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful say to say i love you. Someday you'll cry for me like i've cried for you. Someday you'll miss me like how i missed you. Someday you'll need me like i needed you. Someday you'll love me like how i crazily loved you, but i wont love you. Cos I'm tired of fighting like hell. Moving on is simple, its what you've left behind makes it diff. Letting go isn't about giving up is accepting that there are things that cnt be. There're things in life we didn't wna let go of ppl we didn't want to leave behind. Dn't hold on to smth too long that's nvr meant. Sometimes we need to set things free befr it hurts us badly.

Dn't try to understand everything that is happening. Sometimes it is not meant to be understood but rather to be accepted thou ppl always said ' Everything happens for a reason ' Do you knw what's hard about being strong? Is that nobody cares to ask if you're hurt. Staying w someone you can't be tgt for alot of reason is like staying under e' rain. It's gna make you sick. It's nt by doubting a person that make things hurt you but to find out your doubt was true. We dn't have to rush things. Cos if something is rly meant for you, even if somebody owns it now, someday you'll own that too. What is hard in being alone is not sadness or fear, but its e' fact that billions of ppl in e' world, no one even cares. E' reason why isit hard to be happy is cos we find it hard to let go of e' things that made us sad.

Ppl stereotype, ppl judged, ppl criticises. But none i care. Why isit affecting me much? My ego became more unbearable each day. I rly dn't care what other ppl say about me. Cos' what ey've said i've done that twice to em'. So it's okay. But if ppl dsn't want to see us tgt, i rly dk how do i've to ignore it. Srsly it hurts. It's nvr easy being me. I dn't have everything in complete. Ppl dn't understand me at all. It's so tormenting to act like its okay but it's killing me inside. Yah idk how to i've to ignore it cos' you dnt even bother about this r/s, i assumed. If you were to hold me telling me everything is okay as long as you're there for me. I've no assurance. All you gave me was doubts. You were nvr there.

I changed at that point of time i knew ugly stuffs ppl said. But i dn't rly give a damn. Cos' love is bullshit. But ppl dk what you did to me & made me turned into a fxckedup 'bitch'. Why? Does anyone knw how you treated me back en'?

If no one wants to see us tgt, why are we still tgt? I mean why am i still fighting like hell to keep this r/s gg on if you dn't even give a damn. If you care, i dn't mind about fighting like hell for you. Why shld i? I'm tired of loving, waiting assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry & hurting.

I'm left w nothing? I dn't mind you restrict everything of me. It's okay if you dn't let me say hi when i see my friends on street. I dn't mind you asking me not to reply my friend's text. I dn't mind everything you restrict me. BUT WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL E' THINGS YOU RESTRICT ME YET I CAN'T EVEN DO A SINGLE SHIT?! WHY?! You've got your friends those that dsn't wants to see us tgt, you're nvr left w nth. There's no one i can ever turn to? You chased my friends away, those that were always being there for me when you forsake me. I wonder where we will go.

I'm tired, tired of loving you. I can't even voice anything out..

Please .. stop torturing me. I'm afraid of loving you. I dn't meant to doubt you getting all freaked out when your fone rings. But it's e' past that turned me into this way. Can you stop lying to me? Can you stop ' can't get enough of girls ? ' I'm rly tired. Idk how long more do i have to hold on.. Please. Stop.

Why no one understands? No one understands why i've turned into this. I miss me. I miss e' me befr i've met you. I lost everything. You were nvr there to hear me out...

Kind of miss those hardcore partying life w all my girls & friends out there. Cutting down so much aft i've gotten back w him. Those periods of dramas when we're drunk in a group. Slaps forehead* WE'RE FXCKING NOISY! It's damn funnnnnnnn. I miss it! );

Something brought me here. My insomnia. Like wtheck am i doing in blogger at 5.39am? This feeling is shitty i swear. Like srsly?! I've to be up on 9 ltr. I'll get slaughtered if i'm not able to get up. Someone help me to get asleep pleaseeeeee. My cig is being so nice to be my companion at this hr oh yea plus my ipad. Nicest souls i swear for this moment ohnleee.

Sorry for party rocking .. Peeeeektures! I miss my girls. I miss Dor, fy, sw & junjun ); So sorry for not being able to meet up often. We'll hit e' club one fine day tgt! I know you all miss my presence. Hahahahaha!












I srsly need a haircut tmr. Shit! BYE.