Boredom brought me here. I've neglected this space for mths, cos' I dn't think there's any need to rant anymore. All e' life experiences literally changed me, my thinking and e' treatment I gave to everyone ard me even my love ones. When e' late night creeps in and insomnia kicks in, I'll be pondering so much about my life. I hate this.

Just wondering, if i took another path where would i be now? It's Sun 5:37am. I prolly would drop dead on my bed w alcohol all over me. Since it's a 'MUST PARTY' on weekends. I stopped all e' non-stop party nights and i'm glad. Cos' my life would be so darn messy still. Alcohol just makes insomnia buzz off and all i could ask for is just sleep w/o wild thoughts.

Something changed me. E' main reason would be 'PEOPLE' (from my past) It's based on life experiences. I learnt to care less, and use my heart less. So, i wouldn't fall so hard. All e' things i did, i'm not doing it anymore right now. I hate this. It changed me to such a boring person I am now. I talk so much lesser to my boy compared to my past. I used to be e' craziest/sweetest girl among my past, what e' hell happened NOW?! Sub consciously, i've been telling myself there's not a need to treat anyone in your best when ey're not even putting effort on giving you their 100%. No one will appreciate you. This is bad. But e' good thing is, I dn't get hurt so easily. I'm just a girl, who is trying to protect my heart or even myself to prevent getting hurt from all e' unnecessary. Smth is telling me, it's enough. It's enough of ripping my heart into pieces. It's so effing pain. All e' broken pieces aren't back, and it'll NEVER be back. I miss me, i miss who I am in e' past. Now.. I build my walls so high not to let anyone in. Bcos' all i knw is, no one can be trusted. When i gave my all, all ey' did is to betray my trust time after time.

I thought i had all e' answers, i thought i didn't play my part well. I gave em' my best, I could even take a bullet for em'. But from what I've concluded is, I'm never good enough.. Everywhere I go i get so confused. I still can't put my guard down, till this day..

I just feel so lost. I dk what i want in my life anymore. I learnt, if there's any breakup now, i wouldn't starve myself, i wouldn't do stupid things anymore to get anyone back. And I wouldn't CRY myself to sleep anymore. Bcos' i feel so stupid. On e' other note, I've to thank those people who ripped me inside/out. Ey're e' ones who made me who I am today, stronger en' i thought I would NEVER be.

I need someone to open me out, turned me back to who I am in e' past. Someone to make me believe that love is beautiful, not a land of just tears.. And, someone who could gimme his best befr i could give my all. I need all my shattered pieces to be back in a picture. But I know, I can't never find this someone... And i know it'll take forever to form my picture back again. Almost impossible.

I just feel, there's no need to love.. It's made up of lies. Why is there a need to cheat?

I hate myself. I'm not even happy in a bit.

I'm stubborn, i'm anti-social, i hate to talk, i put a guard, i dn't trust anyone, this is me.

No one knows what I've been thru. Dn't judge till you've walked a mile in my shoes.. Till then.